I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Please know that in grief time, 40 days is nothing. Sometimes, 40 weeks is nothing. I don’t say that to scare you, but to let you know that all of your feelings are NORMAL! People beat themselves up over needing more time to grieve and no one ever talks about how tough it is. You don’t ever get over grief, it just changes shape and becomes less powerful. There’s a book on Amazon available for pre-order now called Grief as a Second Language. I think it might be really helpful to you. If you want to DM me, I can send you a galley proof, so you don’t have to wait. Best of luck to you!! It does get easier, and in the meantime, be easy on yourself.