Speaking up is hard to do!
One of the most common questions I get is, “How do I speak up when I hear someone say something inappropriate?”
It is HARD to share with someone that their attitudes, beliefs, or language might be biased on issues surrounding gender, race, religion, gender identity, sexual orientation, or any other identity trait. In fact, it’s nearly impossible. So first — be grateful if anyone ever gives you that gift. If someone presents an opportunity for growth to you, open your heart and mind, try to drop your defenses, and learn as much as you can. It will alleviate a lot of grief for both of you.
But it is so very hard to bring it up!
How hard?
When was the last time you felt comfortable telling someone they had bad breath?
But if you had bad breath, would you want someone to tell you?
So why can’t we do that for someone who might be exhibiting bias?
There are two techniques I like to use to approach these conversations.
The first is the phrase: “I’m wondering if you’re aware…”
· “I’m wondering if you’re aware that using the term ‘good girl’ when complimenting Melissa’s work actually diminishes her.”
· “I’m wondering if you’re aware that thinking of David as ‘one of the good ones’ creates a racist environment, and imposes a huge, unfair burden on him to be perfect every day — a standard no one else here is held to.”
· “I’m wondering if you’re aware that Jossalyn does not go by ‘he’ or ‘she,’ and to honor that, we refer to them without pronouns, or with the pronoun ‘they,’ which costs nothing and makes them much more comfortable.”
Once you say the first sentence, stop.
Let the person respond.
This is the start of a conversation, not a lecture, and your goal should be to elevate, not escalate.
The other way to bring it up is to use a shortcut.
I like the phrase, “You have some spinach in your teeth.”
We all want to be told when we have spinach in our teeth, right? The same should be true when we do or say things that make our workplaces and communities less inclusive.
If it’s a safe enough space to do so, say it in the moment.
When someone makes a joking comment about Jeff’s daughter’s weight, go ahead and say, “Whoa! you have some spinach in your teeth.” This provides an opening to explain what’s wrong with the comment, and ideally, let them correct it.
If it’s too high-risk to do in the moment, you can try starting the conversation later.
“I’m not sure if you realize it, but when you compared Salvador to your lawn guy, you had spinach in your teeth.”
Again…start the conversation.
You’ll get one of three responses:
1. “Yep, I heard it right away. I will not do that again.”
2. “What are you talking about? Tell me more.”
3. “Get out of here with that crap!”
Here are the best responses to each:
1. “Yep, I heard it right away. I will not do that again.”
“Great. Thanks. You also may want to consider an apology.” (After that, let it go. Do not pound on the person who has already caught themselves being wrong.)
2. “What are you talking about? Tell me more.”
Here, you educate and elevate. Again, try not to attack a potential ally. But do hold them to the standard of inclusivity, and remind them that intentions don’t matter, only outcomes — only the effect they had on the other person and the climate in the room.
3. “Get out of here with that crap!”
Make a note to yourself and walk away. But please know that that person is likely to hear it later. Maybe a week or a month later, but your words will land on them. They will never tell you, but you will have made a difference. In the meantime, decide for yourself whether that’s the best environment for your talents.
To illustrate all of this, I want to share a story from my first year as a lawyer, and a painful encounter that I am so grateful for having spoken up during.
We were restructuring a company out of bankruptcy and assigning all the original shareholders new amounts of stock in the restructured company. The partner I worked for and I were in a conference room with the CEO going through the new capitalization table and when we got to one shareholder who was only going to receive three shares in the new company, the CEO said: “This guy’s getting jewed.”
My blood went cold.
I looked over at the partner and he gave me that steely, slow-motion head shake that clearly meant, “Keep your mouth shut!”
Well, that’s just not who I am.
“I’m sorry,” I said, “but I’m offended that you would say that.”
“Say what?” the CEO, who was at least twice my age, asked.
I saw the partner roll his eyes.
“I’m Jewish, and that really bothers me.”
“No, it just means he’s getting a bad deal,” the CEO replied.
“Oh, I know what it means. It refers to dealing with Jews. That’s a problem for me.”
I watched as all the color drained out of his face.
It slowly dawned on him what he had said.
He slowly replied, “I had no idea.”
Honestly, I believed him. He probably never saw the word in writing, it was just something he grew up saying. How many of us grew up using the word “gypped” when talking about getting cheated and never realized we were referring to gypsies, who are a race of people? When did we learn to stop saying that? Is this the first time you’ve ever heard that? Now you have an idea what that CEO must have been feeling.
I watched as his eyes welled with tears.
“My God, how many people have I said that in front of?”
He apologized earnestly and I said it was okay, but I will forever know that I did that man an enormous favor by not staying silent. Many others before me clearly had, and that caused a lot of harm.
Decent people want to get these things right to the best of their abilities.
If it’s a situation where it feels safe to do so (or even when it doesn’t, but you can’t say nothing), speak up. You’ll be doing right by yourself, you’ll ultimately be doing right by the other person, and you’ll be making the world a more equitable, inclusive place for everyone.
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Valerie Alexander is committed to expanding happiness and inclusion in all communities. She is a globally-recognized speaker on the topics of happiness in the workplace, the advancement of women, identity, equity & inclusion, and unconscious bias. Her TED Talk, “How to Outsmart Your Own Unconscious Bias,” has been viewed over half a million times and is used as a teaching tool in classrooms and boardrooms around the world.
If you want to join Valerie Alexander’s Happiness & Inclusion mailing list, go to SpeakHappiness.com/Inclusion to sign up and download the free workbook, Five Policies That Outsmart Unconscious Bias in Your Company. This newsletter comes out on the first and third Tuesday of every month.
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